It is...how it is!

It is indeed, how it is...

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Fantastico Phenomenonillo Filimo's (4 through 2)

(4) The Matrix


Gun-Fu, Flo-Mo, Bullet Time. Call it what you will but this little doozy of a flick was a verbal cumshot into my virginal eyes, launched a plethora of imitators and even gave lunatics and whack jobs the world over an excuse to sniper rifle the fuck out of people, and even launch their own religions based on the 'theology', 'idealogy' and iconography of this movie.
I didn't want to start my own cult after watching it in the cinema, but I did want to go home and pull the stomach out of myself to the thoughts of Trinity in her leather outfit.
I'm no film critic, but I know what I like and this is the only film that when I walked out as the credits rolled to Rage Against The Machine's Wake Up, I had goosebumps on my undercarriage, rang a different friend and went and bought a ticket to the next show that evening.
Exciting, thought provoking, bullet time, Fishburne talking in parables, Keanu saying 'Huh?' a lot all the while he's whipping ass like a champion, and Carrie-Anne Moss in leather...so much leather that I'd lick the stench of new leather and sweaty fish from her panties.
That is all.



(3)28 Days Later

This was one of the best movies of recent times, because I said so.
Let me tell you, it had Zombies/Infected...that ran! It had a believable concept as to the outbreak of the "infected". A wonderful score by the brilliant John Murphy. Alex Garland can do no wrong in my eyes, so it was a winner from the off with me. The pseudo claustrophobia of the opening sequence and the sheer tension of the final third was a masterclass in filmmaking despite when the 'zombie geeks' think.
Zombies shouldn't run, my bollox. That's like saying athletes shouldn't walk to the shops for some, I don't know, Brillo Pads.
A great bonus for men who suffer with severe cases of penis envy is that Cillian Murphy is nude in it and his penis looks like an oversized clitoris, so if you watch this with your lady and you feel your junk is painfully average, when she see's this you can turn to her with hope, arrogance and lie with aplomb while saying "That's the average male penis size" and she will think you are hung like a moose and proceed to Combat School the life out of your penis.



(2) Aliens

I take back what I said about Arnie having the most manly roar known to man. I think that accolade is reserved for Sigourney Weaver after her 'loader' fight with the Queen Bitch at the end of the flick. "Hurrrawwwwwwwww" "RAWWWWWWWWWWWWW" "COMMMMME ONNNNNNN" "RAGGGGHHHHH". I tell ya, if you were between the sheets with Siggy Wee I'd say she'd laugh at your - and my - best. "Are you in yet? HUUURRRRAAAWWW"
Basically, this was my favourite film of all time since childhood and in many ways, it still is even though the first 40 minutes are incredibly boring, but necessary. It's when you first meet the marines aboard the Sulaco that things really kick into gear. It's movies like this that remind you why James Cameron is who he is and can do what he can do. I mean, let's face it, the man revolusionised movies with each step he took. From Pirahna 2 to the Abyss to Titanic, and now a little film called Avatar.
Basically Aliens has it all...except titties. The Aliens, designed by Sir Giger, are phallic based and obviously based on Lexington Steele's Penis. Bill Paxton's Hudson still remains my favourite character in movie history, to the point that when he's killed in it, I used to turn the video off. Paul Reiser's Burke is so sleazy and conniving that you hope a facehugger impants one of those shits down his japs eye and Michael Biehn...well Michael Biehn is a gent and the thinking man's action hero for a thinking man's action movie. Shame about the lack of titties though, but if you're looking for some cheap love making to your hand, then rent Half Moon Street with Sigourney Weaver. She gets her titties and her oddly compelling, little strange shaped cheeks out while she's sweating on an exercise bike.

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