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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

10 Most Fantastically Phenomenal FIlms...(10 through 5)

(10) Snakes On A Plane :

Does what it says on the tin really, wouldn't you think. It has snakes, a plane, Kenan from Kenan & Kel, Sammy Jackson, Elsa Pataky's perfect face and some titties. I don't ask for much, and that ticked all my boxes.
From the off it has violence and oozes substance and sweaty man appeal!
A masterclass in cheesy action, suspense and the line "Enough is enough! I've had it with these muthafuckin' snackes on this muthafuckin' plane!" is possibly the most poignant line delivered in celluloid history.
You can take your "hilarious" Woody Allen quotes and your Paul Thomas Anderson pathetic pseudo melodrama's and wipe your crusty semen from the sock under your bed on them, coz I don't want to know about them.



(9) Irreversible

There comes a time in a man's life when he has to witness the good grace of Bellucci's Bangers. Monica Bellucci gets nude. Monica Bellucci has 'surprise' anal sex against her will. Some Gallic sausage jockey gets his head bashed in with a fire extinguisher...repeatedly. Monica Bellucci gets nude. If you pause the dvd and use the zoom function in the seconds after her unwelcome shot in the Sherrifs Badge, you can actually see her stinkhole. Fantastic...and unexpected.



(8) 50 First Dates

Now, I understand the severity of said movie on said list and regardless of the meterosexual connotations of having such a movie so high on my list of all time greats is ludicrous, BUT, it's such a wonderful 2 hours of your life. Every time the ending hits, when that Hawaiian version of 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' begins to play, my throat closes up and swells like I have a black penis rammed down there against my will while somebody holds my nose closed. The pain and discomfort of trying to hold in the tears of happiness and joy to save face in front of whoever I'm watching it with, is sheer torture. I'm a sucker for Sandler, and I'd let Drew Barrymore take a dump on my chin if she so wanted, so this was a winner all around.




(7) Payback

Mel Gibson hits the most vicious kidney punches know to man, kills a lot of people with style, grace and finesse, is tortured and in the process has his foot bludgeonedd to something resembling 'roast beef', does a gravely voiced noir-ish voiceover, gets one over on crooked cops, get's his 70K back and lands the girl.
What more do you want? 3D? Fuck yourself!


(6) Predator

Not only does it posess the 2nd greatest Score in celluoid history (take a bow, Alan Silvestri) but is in my opinion, the utlimate movie for the ultimate Alpha Male. Gratuitous arm wrestle muscle shot between Apollo Creed and Arnie. A tie is insulted. Arnie and his elite squad of commando's go into a jungle. People are skinned alive. Arnie delivers pun after pun. An Alien who sees in ZX Spectrum Vision and looks like a 7ft tall ninja Rasta stalks them and kills Shane Black and his spectacles. Blows a sizzle hole through Jessie Ventura's chest. Bill Duke annihilates a wild pig with the knife he uses to shave himself like a real man using his own sweat for shaving cream. If it bleeds, they can kill it. Apollo Creed gets onside and more gratuitous muscle shots follow as they assert their Alpha Male status in front of that South American chick by pulling down trees with their bare hands and biceps. Bill Duke takes one in the face. Apollo Creed's arm is blown off and he is skewered like a kebab from a street vendor. Billy the Indian who's obviously hung like a complex inducing cucumber and has balls like a jackfruit stalls the Predator by taking out his knife and cutting his left pectoral. Predator shoots the skinny one in the face. Arnie tells South American Chick to 'Rrrruuunnnn, Get to da choppppaaaahhhh' in the second most most masculine roar known to human existence. Arnie falls over two waterfalls and gets caked in muck. Predator can't see him in his ZX Spectrum Vision. Arnie takes him on mano y mano, like any real man would by making traps and explosive weapons out of trees, leaves and a slight amount of gunpowder. What follows is the moment every man aspires to, and if they don't, they're obviously gay. Arnie, with his torch lighting and against the odds calls out the 7ft Alien with the single most valorous, virile, gallant roar ever commited to humanity while holding his lighting torch aloft. A lot of cat and mouse combat ensues. The tension is unparalleled. Predator demasks and like a real Alien man, decomissions his superior weapons as an obvious mark of respect for Arnie's roar. One ugly motherfucker, evidently. Predator beats Arnie to a pulp in ZX Spectrum Vision and Arnies once heroic roars for some reason sound like whimpers in high speed dubbing. Arnie lures the big lug to the traps. Predator too smart. Arnie too smart. Log on face. Blood that looks like a Berocca induced piss seeps from the Predator. Big hearty Billy laugh. Explosion. Super Action Movie dive by Arnie. Fade to black. Hero music. Arnie leans on tree. Arnie delivers the best acting of his career in the final scene as he stares out the window with with a look of sorrowful resignation and dirt caked on his face. Credits where everyone smiles at the camera, except Arnie. No titties though.


(5) Crank 2

Jason Statham. No Heart. Shotguns up Samoan stinkholes. King Mike Patton score. Amy Smart's bumcheeks. Amy Smart's nipple tape. More titties. Violence. A horses cock. Numerous references to Chev Chelios' superior phallus. Running. Frenetic pace. Statham's Chelios is the greatest Superhero who ever lived. Burns to a crisp. Eyes open. Fin.

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